Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline,
your HMO's full service crisis intervention facility.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalitites, please press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay one the line.
We are already tracing your call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.